Well Linn there I was, preparing to face the cold bitter wind outside in order to gaze upon the stars. Of course i had two handy blankets, a winter coat, and Jesse to keep me warm, but you can imagine my slight nervousness about going out into the wild in this weather. I decide to take my chances and open the door to brave the cold, and settle onto the ground with a blanket underneath me, a blanket around me, and Jesse next to me. I gave upon the stars and we start chatting about the wonders of stars and the universe, getting very scientific. ;) I hear a slight rustling and Jesse scoots closer to me. He turns towards me and says "well, I know you've been waiting a long time, but would you marry me?" I of course am now filled with emotion and complete suprise, for I thought he was going to suggest we go inside since it was starting to get very chilly. I of course said yes, even though i couldn't see the ring in the dark :) We then begin talking about it being a perfect moment, and slowly make our way back inside the warmth of my log house :) If you have any comments feel free to call after 5:30 :)

Loves and hugs :)

I love Cooperstown Bible Camp, i really do, but i can't help but feel it's being run into the ground, i don't know if there is someone specific to blame or if i even had a hand in it for being there so long, it's hard to see the place you consider your second home be damaged in so many ways, it all seems to get covered up too, like people don't want to see it for what it is, or rather, have others see what it has become. I remember the good old days there, five years ago, YMCing my first year. It's strange to think i've been there so long, through so much, but yet i feel it is getting worse. It's fine working on the weekends there, but summers are hard on me. A new flock of people, new directors, all thinking they have great ideas for camp, when in reality, it gets run into the ground. I like meeting people, but it's hard to see the ones you love slowly stop coming to camp, it no longer feels like camp. Reunions make me happy, random old camp people coming back make me happy, those bonds you have with camp people you work with never get broken (there are exceptions though). It pains my heart so much to know i won't be back there next summer. It's become such a part of me, that i automatically plan to be there every summer. I now need to find something else to fill my time, perhaps pick up a good hobby? or a real job? I know I am needed this summer, and i also know i am wanted this summer. I can't help but feel that i'm letting people down, no matter what option i choose. There are arguments for both sides, but really i don't think i can be there again. My heart gets ripped into shreds from being there, but also from being away from there, it pains me to be there, but it hurts me being away. I feel there is no good way out of this situation. Either way, someone is upset at me. Maybe it's best for the long haul i'm not there? i won't always be there and maybe it's time for them to find a new housekeeper, but i love cleaning. I don't want to even think about the possibility of how hard next summer will be, knowing i will be almost completely alone. It's hard to build up that strong foundation at camp and perhaps it's best if i just gracefully bow out now. I know that it's good for me to move on, get out of my comfort zone, not be stressed and actually have free time to myself. I hope God will give me the courage to say no, the courage to step down, the courage to move on with my life not knowing where i'm going or what i'm doing. It's hard stepping out so blindly, i've always had camp to rely on. I need to be my own person and not fall into the routine of camp once more, it's hurting my walk with God, hurting my walk with others, and that's not the point of camp. I don't blame camp, i more so blame myself, for getting into routines, worrying about things i can't control, things i've never been able to control. It has to be done, but i know it's going to hurt. I have to rely on God to help me through. I've never felt so alone, but I've never felt God's presence so near to me, i know i'm not alone, it's a false feeling, God is with me all the time, sometimes it's just hard to remember. College has torn away at my heart, it's hard starting over again, the strong friend support system that i so desperately long for. It's hard for me to get close to people and form long relationships, trusting is hard for me. The environment is so different and i don't know how long i can survive in it, i feel myself slipping each and every day. Everything i reach for i can't grab ahold of, i'm afraid one of these days i'm just going to fall and not be able to get up again.....

Hey ya'll, i'm at camp this summer, not too much going on over here, housekeeping coordinator once again!! yay me!!!! what can i say it's pretty exciting! week numero dos starts tomorrow, wish me luck! love!